Pain

I became motherless and it nursed me. As my heart broke it rocked me to sleep and promised to bring me joy. When I was homeless, it was my shelter. To the world, my

space is filled laughter, sarcasm, wit and confidence. A religion. A devotion. A joy, unspeakable. 

Yet,When I was childless it allowed me to nurse it. When I was flightless it gave me wings. When the wind failed to blow it breathed life into the sails of my life. When words escaped me, it give me a voice. It nurtured my growth and accepts my evolution. Perfect it may not be, but perfect for me, it is. It is my refuge when all else fails it is my 'go to' friend in times of distress. It's a love/ hate relationship, which has stood the tests of time. It does not fail or forsake. It does not judge nor does it criticize. It allows for my triumphs and failures.

Only in times of extremes do I retreat to this form of creation. It allows me to trudge through the tears, ward off fears and give birth to my own power.

Its amazing how a year can alter the coarse of ones life.

One minute ur on top of the world.Conquering the world. Battling giants. Setting a blaze across the sky. The next minute ur clawing ur way out of a never ending cess pool.

U wake up and the world as u know it is as it should be. The struggles and Demons u encounter are par for the coarse. But on one day one small series of events utterly destroys ur life.

Nothing is as it was nor will things ever be as they should be. Life as u have come to know it. ,is no more.

Reconstructing a world is seemingly impossible. But there is no other option if ur to survive. So u begi the process of mixing the mirror. Making the bricks digging the foundation and blueprinting the area which will be the sanctuary of ur new world.(ooh yeah, and rinsing off the stench and muck of the afore mentioned cess pool).

U find the strength and patience the resolve and faith to build. Build.build.

Along the way u may loose sight of what ur building. Why ur building and the purpose of the building. But faith and instinct keep u on track ( in a sense).

U will get weary and u will throw down the tools of ur construction. But like all large scale projects work will continue, even at a snails pace. But continue it does and continue it will.

I had my meeting with Fate and it was far from amicable. To be quite honest it was quite fucked up. U see we had 2 totally different concepts of what path my life was to take. Although i did see the value in their viewing my life as a source of entertainment. I found it difficult to remove the mediocre from the life they were planning and enjoy the full scope of the joke they were enjoying, called my life.
That meeting ended at an impasse . Not surprising, when two equally powerful parties don't see dye to eye.
I have chosen to not to bear the brunt of Fates cruel jokes. Before time WAS TIME THEY HAD A self serving agenda. So, i decided now wss the time to give rise to a new destiny. I have nothing to loose.
Now every giant i fight every demon i vanquish every cess poll i grudge through, will be my own. Every city will bear my name and the names of my progeny.
I am now off of the sideline and play in the game. Making the rules which dwell in time and space fit my blueprint.

THE THINGS I LEARNED

THE THINGS I LEARNED AS YOU DEVISTATED MY WORLD CAN NOT BE NUMBERED OR MESURED... AT LEAST NOT IN THE TRADITIONAL SENSE.

I HAVE NOT COME UP WITH AN ACCURATE MEASUREMENT SYSTEM TO WHICH I CAN APPLY TO THE LEVELS OF JOY AND SORROW.

I WAS INNOCENT IN SPRIT AND HEART WHEN YOU APPEARED. IDEALISTIC AND HOPEFUL.

I LEARNED TO LOVE WITH AN UNAFRAID HEART. I LEARNED TO OPEN MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS AND SECRETS TO YOU. I LEARNED THAT A SMILE AND A TOUCH COULD MOVE MOUNTAINS. I LEARNED THAT BEING ALONE IS NOT NATURAL. I LEARNED THAT ONE OF THE GIFTS FROM THE MOST HIGH COULD COME IN THE FORM OF YOU. I LEARNED THAT MUSIC IS EVERYWHERE AND IN EVERYTING. I LEARNED THAT A BRILLIANT MIND IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF THINGS. I LEARNED TO PUT A DEFINING POINT ON MY CAPABILITIES. I LEARNED PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS FOR MAGIC. I LEARNED LOVE RUNS ON THE FEET OF HERMES.

IN THIS SPACE OF SORROW AND LONLINESS, I FIND THERE ARE EVEN MORE THINGS WHICH I HAVE LEARNED. THINGS THAT IT PAINS ME TO KNOW/ RECOGNIZE.

I HAVE LEARNED THAT FEAR IS THE HEARTS FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE AGAINST PAIN. I LEARNED THAT SECRETS ARE KEPT FOR A REASON. TO KEEP SAFE FROM ALL HARM. I LEARNED THAT THE MOST PAINFUL SIGHT CAN BE A SMILE AND A TOUCH CAN CRIPPLE. I LEARNED THAT BEING ALONE DARKENS THE SOUL, BUT BEING IN YOUR MIDST CAN SHREAD THAT SAME SOUL. I LEARNED THAT THE GIFTS OF THE MOST HIGH OFTEN COME WITH CONTENGANCY CLAUSES, STRINGS AND CONSIQUENCES ATTACHED. I LEARNED NOT ALL MUSIC SERINADES THE SOUL. IT CAN OFTIMES RIP A CHASIM IN THE VERY FABRIC OF A LIFE. I LEARNED A BRILLIANT MIND ISOLATES, LOOKS DOWN ON, CONDEMS AND DOES NOT UNDERSTAND FORGIVENESS ( TO GIVE OR TO RECIEVE). I LEARNED THAT MY CAPIBILITIES WILL NEVER BE RECOGNIZED IN YOUR EYES. I LEARNED THE DARKEST MAGIC IS CONJURED FROM FALSE TOUNGS AND PSEUDO LOVE. I LEARNED HOW DAMNING SELFISHNESS CAN BE ON A PERSONS LIFE. I LEARNED HOW TO SUFFER DOWN INDIGNATION. I LEARNED TO DOUBT MYSELF, I LEARNED PEACE NEVER COMES FROM WAR~ JUST MORE WAR. I LARNED TO BE YOUR MUSE AND YOUR IMAGINARY NEMISIS WHILE YOU EVOLVED INTO MY ENIGMA AND OUR LOVE A NEVER ENDING PARADOX.

I HAVE NOT COME UP WITH AN ACCURATE MEASUREMENT SYSTEM TO WHICH I CAN APPLY TO THE LEVELS OF JOY AND SORROW.

YOU

BEFORE THE HURT BEGAN, I BELIEVED MYSELF TO BE WHOLE
BEFORE THE PAIN BEGAN, I BELIEVED IN FAIRY TALES

BEFORE THERE WAS~ YOU WERE

WHEN MY THOUGHTS WERE INNOCENT, I BELIEVED IN MAGIC
WHEN MY HEART WAS YOUNGER, I BELIEVED IN MIRICALS

WHEN THERE WAS NOTHING~ YOU WERE

WITH MY FIRST BREATH, I BELIEVED IN IMORTALITY
WITH EACH PASSING DAY, I BELIEVED IN MANIFEST DESTANY

WITHIN~ YOU WERE

IN THE MIDST OF MY TURMOIL, I BELIEVED IN A DREAM
IN THE MIDST OF MY CONFUSION, I BELIEVED IN COMFORT

IN THE EYE OF THE STORM~ YOU WERE

RUNNING FROM CHAOS, I BELIEVED IN KEEPING PACE
RUNNING FROM CONFLICT, I BELIEVED IN RUNNING THE GOOD RACE

RUNNING WITH THE RIVER~ YOU WERE



BEFORE THE FAIRY TALES ENDED I COULD SEE NOTHING AND EVERYTHING

THE ALL SEEING EYE, BLINDED~ THERE YOU ARE

WHEN THE NEW CHAPTER OF MY LIFE OPENED, INNOCENCE WAS LOST AND MAGIC AND MIRICALS WERE NO MORE

THE BINDING ON THE BOOK OF LIFE SHREADED. ALL SPELL WERE REVEALED~ THERE YOU ARE

WITH DESTANY HIDDEN, IMORTAL BREATH WAS NO MORE

WINDED AND BREATHLESS ~ THERE YOU ARE

IN THE DYING DREAM THERE IS NO COMFORT. NO REST FROM MY TURMOIL. NO UNDERSTANDING TO BRING PEACE CONFUSION

BATTLE SCARED AND DISILLUSIONED~ THERE YOU ARE

RUNNING THE RACE DRAWS IN THE CHAOS, PREPETUATES THE CONFLICT AND DEADENS THE PACE

LISLESS AND DEADENED SPRIT~ THERE YOU ARE

THERE IS NO ESCAPING YOUR PLACEMENT. THERE IS NO DENYING WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN. THERE IS NO RESPITE, YOU ARE THE EVER MOVING FORCE OF IT ALL.

THE BRINGER OF NIGHTMARES THE DREAM RIPPER. THE PREDITOR OF HOPE. SURVIVING ON THE TEARS OF THE OPTIMISTIC.

WHERE THERE WAS ONCE LIFE LOVE SHONE THROUGH LIKE PARIDISE. BRINGING WITH IT ENDLESS SACRIFICE. A BLOOD LUST WHICH CAN NEVER BE QUINCHED.

TEARS EVENTUALLY DRY AND IN THEIR PLACE THEY LEAVE THE SALTY REMINDERS. COLLECTED IN THE RESIVOR ONCE RESERVED FOR LIFE AND LOVE.

CURSED ARE THE GREEDY OF HEART. DAMNED ARE THE VICTIMS WHICH LAY IN THE WAKE OF YOUR WORDS, YOUR RYTHIM AND YOUR MIND.

SALVATION

SALVATION THROUGH ISOLATION... SOMETIMES ITS THE ONLY WAY. I HAVE BEEN ON THE GIVING AND RECIEVING END. ITS A DIFFICULT THING. HARD TO DO AND HARD TO ACCEPT.

JUST BE MINDFUL, ONLY ISOLATE YOUR SELF FROM THE HURT NOT THE LOVE

PEACE THROUGH FAITH (AND VICE VERSA)

IT TAKES TIME TO UNRAVEL THE KNOTS OF YOUR LIFE. IT TAKES TIME TO BE COMPLETE ONCE THOSE KNOTS ARE GONE. YOU BECOME USED TO THE DISCOMFORT AND THE INCONVIENCE OF THEM BEING THERE.

IT TAKES TIME TO IDENTIFY THE PAINFUL AREAS AND CIRCUMSTANCES OF YOUR LIFE AND IT TAKES EVEN LONGER TO MOVE FORWARD FROM THAT PAIN AND FIND A PEACEFUL PLACE.

I HAVE HEARD IT SAID THAT THROUGH FAITH YOU FIND PEACE. BUT THE QUESTION, SURLY, MUST BE... FAITH IN WHAT? THE ONLY WAY I CAN MANAGE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION IS TO SAY FAITH IN YOURSELF. I KNOW I KNOW IT SOUNDS AS CLECHE AS ANY TURND PHRASE, BUT I HAVE FOUND (AND AM CONTINUALLY FINDING) THE TRUTH IN THAT STATEMENT.

MY PAIN AND KNOTS STEMED FROM A PLACE THAT WAS SO FAR REMOVED FROM MY OWN POSESSION THAT IT WILL TAKE THE REMAINDER OF MY LFE TO SORT THROUGH AND TO FIND A PLACE FOR IT. A HEALTHY PLACE. WITHOUT GOING INTO "THE BOOK" IT SURFICES TO SAY THAT I AM WALKING PROOF THAT FAITH IN ONES SELF IS NECESSARY AND POSSIBLE.

I FOUND MYSELF ALONE, ONE DAY. NOT THAT EVERONE MAGICALLY DISSAPPEARED BUT, THE ROSE COLORED GLASSES (WHICH HAD BEEN PLACED ON ME AT THE TIME OF MY BIRTH) HAD BEEN REMOVED, AND QUITE ABRUPTLY, I MUST SAY. I LOOKED AT MY LIFE AND THE PEOPLE WHO WHERE 'IN IT'. (SOME INVITED AND MOST NOT... YOU SEE SOME WERE BORN INTO MY LIFE). WHAT I FOUND WERE A CLUSTER FUCK OF SELFISH HURTFUL ANGRY PEOPLE. I FOUND PEOPLE WHO WERE BENT ON DESTROYING THE HAPPINESS OF NOT ONLY THEMSELVES BUT OTHERS (INCLUDING MINE).

I FOUND MYSELF LONGING FOR A COMFORT ( A PEACE IF YOU WILL) WHICH I THOUGHT THE COMMUNION OF FAMILY SHOULD BRING. THE PROBLEM WAS, I WAS LONGING FOR A MYTHICAL SORT OF CREAURE, ONE AKIN TO A UNICOERN. IT WAS AS FORGIN A CONCEPT AS A NEW LANGUAGE.

LONLY WAS A SPACE (WHICH I DISCOVERED) TO DEEP AND DARK TO LIVE IN. WHEN I WAS ABLE TO ACCEPT THE REALITY OF THE KNOTS IN MY LIFE, I REALIZED JUST HOW LONLY I WAS. I HAD NO NEXT OF KIN WHICH COULD BE TRUSTED TO PROTECT MY WELFARE LET ALONE THE WELFARE OF MY SONS. I HAD NO RELATION TO WHOM I WAS BLOOD RELATED TO CALL ON IF LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

WHEN I TRANSITIONED INTO THE WORLD OF HARD REALITY I THOUGHT IT WOULD DESTROY ME... OR AT THE VERY LEAST SHATTER ME. INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, IT DID NOT. I FOUND A STRENGTH AND A FAITH IN MY OWN RRESOLVE I NVER KNEW WAS THERE. THE SCARY PART WAS, I THOUGHT I HAD HIT MY DAMASCUS ROAD YEARS AGO... GOES TO SHOW YOU THAT JUST WHEN WE THINK ITS ALL SORTED.. ITS NOT.

IT TOOK THE LOSS OF EVERYTHING AND EVERY ONE (WHOM I BELIEVED TO BE INPORTANT) FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND THAT I HAD IT ALL WRONG. LIFE IS DESIGNED TO BE LONLY AND SELF EVALUATING. IT IS DESIGNED TO BE A DAUNTING AND EMPOWERING. THERE IS NO SAFE HARBOR UNLESS YOU DESIGN AND ERECT IT YOURSELF AND FORTIFY IT WITH PEOPLE WHO RECOGNIZE YOUR WORTH AND APPRECIATE YOUR PART OF THE JOURNEY (AS IT RELATES TO THEIR OWN HEALTHY SELF EVALUATING JOURNEY).

IT TAKES AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF STRENGTH TO UNTIE THE KNOTS AND PULL AWAY FROM THE FAMILIAL HURT AND BUILD A WORLD OF SELF FAITH AND ENVIORNMENTAL PEACE.

TO FIND THAT PEACE I HAD TO WANT IT AND ALLOW FOR THE FORCES AT WORK TO MOVE ME IN THE DIRECTION I WAS TO GO... NOW I KNOW THT SOUNDS SOOO EASY, BUT I AM HERE TO ELLYOU. ITS HARD AS HELL. IT IS AN EVERYDAY BATTLE. A BATTLE SOME DAYS I DO NOT THINK I WILL WIN... THATS WHEN FAITH IN MY ABILITY TO OVERCOM ALL OBSTACLES, COMES INTO PLAY. I HAVE TO BREATH DEPLY AD FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT THE ROADTO DIVINITY IS A LONG ANDTEDIOUS ONE. I REMIND MYSELF THAT UNLESS I ACCEPT THE ORGANIC NATURE OF PEACE I WILL NEVER ACHIEVE MY APOTHIOSIS.

SOME PEOPLE TRY TO HAVE THE FAITH OF THEIR MOTHERS AND GRANDMOTHERS. THEY TRY TO HAVE THE FAIH OF THEIR COMMUNITY, BUT PERSONAL PEACE WILL NEVER BE FOUND THROUGH THE LIVES AND FAITH OF OTHERS. IT MUST BE YOUR OWN. THE SACRAFICE MUST BE YOUR OWN . WE ARE ALL ACCOUNTABLE TO OUR OWN IMAGES. AND THOSE REFLECTIONS AND LIKENESSES ARE ONLY VALUABLE TO WHO WE SEE WHEN WE GAZE INTO THE STILL WATER.

MY PEACE AND FAITH ARE ROOTED IN A FEW BASIC PRINCIPALS... THEY ONLY SEEM TO WORK FOR PEOPLE (LIKE ME) WHO STRIVE EVERYDAY TO SEE BEYOND THE SURFACE OF IT ALL.

1 A LIE DONT CARE WHO TELLS IT AS LONG AS IT GETS TOLD... SO BE CAREFUL.
2 LIFE AND DEATH ARE GIVEN SHAPE THROUGH YOUR WORDS... SO BE MINDFUL
3 LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING AND YOU WONT BE CAUGHT OFF GAURD
4 IF IT DONT FEED YOU, FUCK YOU OR FRIEND YOU IT MUST NOT BE FOR YOU
5 IF I HURTS STOP DOING IT.. SIMPLE ENOUGH
6 WHEN IT GETS TO HEAVY TO CARY... UNPACK
7 IT IS THE HUMAN CONDITION TO BE SELFISH. ITS OK, AS LONG AS THOSE SELFISHNESSES DO NOT HURT, HARM OR ENCROACH ON THE HAPPINESS OF OTHERS
8 OVER USE I LOVE YOU
9 FORGIVE... ALWAYS
10 WHEN YOUR ON YOUR KNEES IN THE DIRT HOLDING ON TO THE GRASS TO KEEP FROM FALLING OFF OF THE EARTH... JUST LET GO
11 LAUGH OUT LOUD
12 CRY DEEPLY
13 DONT WEAR YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE.. IT WILL JUST GET DIRTY
14 IF THERE IS NO LOVE... WALK AWAY
15 TAKE TIME TO LISTEN TO THE WATER
16 TAKE YOUR WISKEY STRAIGHT... NO CHASER
17 WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS... FIND ANOTHER FRUIT
18 ROLL WITH IT... OR IT WILL ROLL OVER YOU
19 SOMETIMES THEIR BEST IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH
20 ALWAYS DANCE RECKLESS ABANDON


IT TAKES TIME TO IDENTIFY THE PAINFUL AREAS AND CIRCUMSTANCES OF YOUR LIFE AND IT TAKES EVEN LONGER TO MOVE FORWARD FROM THAT PAIN AND FIND A PEACEFUL PLACE.

Joan Osborne - One Of Us